Mind Games
by ReginaVincit
Summary: Nikita is still a Division member when Alex becomes a recruit. Their relationship starts off on the wrong foot but there' s more to it for both of them. Will the drug-addicted teenager make it through Division's training? And why does Nikita care so much about her? (Alex's backstory is different. She is not an Udinov and she is not Russian.)
1. Chapter 1

Nikita watched as the recruits ate their lunch. Her gaze was fixed on Alex, the troubled drug addict who was assigned to her last week. She seemed lost and she kept playing nervously with her food without actually eating. Her eyes were empty, her tiny body visibly shaking. Nikita left her place and went down to talk to the girl.

'' You don't like it? '' She asked, nodding at her full plate.

'' It's fine.'' Alex responded nerously and she immediately took a big bite to convince her tutor.

'' You know you need to eat, right? I know it's not great, but it's better than prison food.''

Alex looked straight into Nikita's eyes and responded without really thinking.

'' It's not better than prison life, though.''

Thankfully, Amanda paged Nikita to the conference room, so the young recruit got away with her comment.

'' Saved by the bell.'' Nikita said and left quickly.

It was the worst part of the training. The hand to hand combat. Alex wasn't great at everything else, but this one was her weakest point. And after waht happened during lunch, she was sure that Nikita would make her fight tonight. And she did.

'' Jayden and Alex. Please step forward.''

_Great._ She had picked the worst possible enemy for her. Jayden hated Alex for no particular reason since day one. And now she had a great opportunity to demonstrate just how powerful her feelings towards the youn recruit were.

Alex looked at Nikita, her eyes pleading for mercy. She didn't want to fight, battling with withdrawal was exhausting enough by itself. Plus, Jayden was in so much better shape than her.

Nikita looked at the girl coldly.

'' Something wrong, Alex? ''

'' No, no. Nothing.'' She stepped on the mat trying to focus on the fight and forget about everything else. Jayden kept smiling, the anticipation being obvious in her dark- coloured eyes. Nikita gave the signal and the fight started.

Jayden attacked first with strong punches, all of wich were successfully blocked by Alex. At first it was easy, but she knew she couldn't hold for long. Jayden straddled Alex by punching her repeatedly in the face. The girl lost her balance and fell hard on the floor. Jayden kept punching her,this time more viciously than before. Alex felt her lips split and her nose bleed and the repulsive taste of blood suddenly dominated everything around her. Jayden drove her knee into the girl's stomach. Alex screamed in pain, curling her body and trying to force Jayden of her, but she couldn't.

'' Ready to cry, princess? '' She asked.

Alex didn't respond. She simply couldn't. Her breaths were short and painful, her head was spinning and she couldn't focus on anything. Her bleeding nose wasn't helping at all. She just wished that Nikita would stop the ''lesson'' before it was too late. She tried to pick her head up to make her breathing easier but Jayden shoved it back down, causing the pain to almost paralyse her.

'' Enough! '' Nikita's voice came loud and strict. '' I said, enough! ''

She pushed Jayden away, allowing Alex to finally breathe.

'' It's ok. Calm down.'' Nikita said to Alex, as she was still gasping for air.

The ferocity of the attack had taken her totally aback and the fact that all she could see now was blood made her panic. She hadn't actually realised what had happened.

'' Alex, calm down and breathe! '' Nikita kneeled next to the girl and held her face in her hands, trying to help her realx. She kind of blamed herself for what had just happened. She knew how hard Alex was fighting her addiction and how vulnerable she was, both mentally and physically. Yet, she made her fight against the best Division recruit just to get back to her for one nasty comment she had made about life inside Division.

And the worst part was that Nikita knew Alex was right. Not matter how you name it, a place like Division is nothing but a prison cell.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex spent two nights at Division's hospital. She had three broken ribs, a broken nose and a mild concussion but, more importantly, she had a battered ego. She felt humiliated, so fragile and so helpless at the same time. She kept waking up at night, feelin unable to breathe and fearing that she would suffocate.

'' It's just a panic attack. You'll get over it.'' That's what the doctor had told her. The same doctor who didn't let her have any painkillers because they would compromise with her effort to stay clean.

Alex hated Division. She hated the place and she definitely hated the people. There was nothing to give her hope in a place like this. Nothing to give her life a meaning. Just empty rooms and empty hearts. She kept wishing that she could overdose on morphine and get it over with everything at once. But, of course, that didn't happen. You can't escape pain that easily.

When she came back to training, she was a different person. Pain and fear had changed her for good.

'' Nice to have you back.'' Nikita said with a smile when she saw her, not knowing exactly how she should approach the young recruit. She didn't visit her while she was hospitalised although she really wanted to. It was against one of the many absurd Division rules.

'' She is just a recruit, Nikita. She must be tough. Let her learn how it is to be on your own.'' That's what Amanda had told her when she asked for permission to go check on Alex. Besides, she wasn't sure that the girl wanted to see her after the fight with Jayden. But she still felt badly that she bandoned her alone in a hospital room without any consolation.

Alex didn't say a word to Nikita. She simply nodded and headed straight to the punching bags. She was still mad at everyone and especially Nikita, so she needed a way to let it all out. She needed to get her mind off the drugs she missed so much.

Alex was so focused on punching the lifeless bag that she didn't notice Nikita as she came closer to her.

'' I'm sorry I was so harsh on you, Alex.'' She said softly, trying to initiate a conversation.

Alex kept fighting against the bag, ignoring her trainer's comment.

'' Stop that, you are only hurting yourself! '' Nikita's voice was firm but gentle as she came forward and placed herself between Alex and the bag.

'' You haven't healed yet, so you should take it easy.''

'' I'm fine.''

'' Alex..''

'' What? Now you care? '' she said angrily. '' _You_ are the reason I am like this.'' She nodded at her bandaged ribs and continued.

'' You and your stupid bosses made me like this! ''

'' Well, excuse us for saving you from death penalty, Alex! ''

Nikita was as amd as Alex right now. Yes, she didn't feel great for having her fight against Jayden but she and Division had given her a chance to live to see another day. She should at least respect that.

'' That's what you think you've done? '' Alex responded sarcastically. '' You consider yourself to be a savior, Nikita?''

'' Don't talk like this.''

'' And what if I do? You are going to kill me? Well, go ahead! Do it! ''

Nikita, despite her irritation, tried to reason with the young girl.

'' Alex, I understand that you are angry, but...''

'' But, nothing! You want to save me? Well, then shoot me right here'' she said, pointing at her heart '' and take my pain away!''

Her voice broke and she felt so helpless, again. She sat down and started to cry. Her sobbing along with her broken ribs made her breathing once again extremely painful. Nikita stood still for a minute, without knowing what to do to help the girl.

'' Alex, please.'' She touched her arm tenderly and she was actually surprised that the girl didn't push her away.

'' Just let me help you, ok? ''

'' You can't.''

'' How can you be so sure? '' Nikita asked with a soft, caring voice.

'' I can, because I have nothing to live for.''


	3. Chapter 3

''_Just let me help you, ok? ''_

_'' You can't.''_

_'' How can you be so sure? '' Nikita asked with a soft, caring voice._

_'' I can, because I have nothing to live for.''_

'' Alex, you have plenty of things to live for.''

'' Really? Name one! Come on, the only reason you are keeping me here is to make me a murderer and that's the last thing I want right now. I know I killed that guy back then but I didn't want to do it. I was high, ok? '' She said and tears filled her eyes.

'' I didn't know what I was doing. The drugs killed him, not me! ''

She was really upset. It was actually the first time she talked about that night to anyone and she needed to let it all out. Nikita didn't know the details of the story, but she tried to reassure the younger woman.

'' Alex, we all do bad things. That doesn't mean we are bad people.''

'' You know, what? If you really want to help me, tell me something that _you_ believe in, not some lame quotes that you've read on magazines! ''

She was doing it again. She was mad and frustrated and she was using Nikita as her punching bag. But the older woman wasn't hurt by her words. She could understand.

'' You won't become a murderer. You will serve your country, I promise.''

'' I don't care what you promise, I will still have to hurt people to survive!''

Nikita didn't really know how to respond to that. The girl was right. This whole discussion made her feel uneasy, she was feeling like as if she had to prove something to Alex, as if she was being judged for her actions. It was annoying. She paused for a few minutes and then she finally managed to figure out a way to get done with this conversation.

'' This is your second chance in life, Alex. Just don't waste it.''

_It is that simple_. She stood up and walked away, leaving Alex alone.

Three weeks passed and Nikita only saw Alex a couple of times at the training. The older woman was away on a difficult mission that lasted more than everyone had expected. When she came back, though, the news were anything but good.

'' I think we should cancel Alex.''

'' Excuse me? '' Nikita said in disbelief. Amanda couldn't possibly be serious.

'' She has failed every test, she shows absolutely no will to improve and she will relapse the second she gets access to drugs. You need more reasons, Nikita? ''

Nikita fought back.

'' How is this different from letting her die in prison? ''

' 'Well, I'm sure you are aware that Division is not a charity organisation, Nikita. She didn't manage to get through the training, so she can't become an agent. Now, what do you want me to do? Feed her and shelter her for free for the rest of her life? ''

'' You should give her another chance.''

'' Nikita, Alex is a liability. And you know that I never give second chances to anyone, let alone a junkie who can barely walk.''

'' That's not true, she is a smart girl.''

'' Well, too bad this isn't the Spelling Bee.''

'' Just give her a month, and let her have the test again. If she fails again, then you cancel her.''

Amanda let out a sigh.

'' Why do you care so much, Nikita?''

'' I don't. I just think you are not making a correct desicion.'' She was on the verge of crying but she somehow managed to keep her voice firm.

And then realisation hit Amanda.

'' She reminds you of yourself, right? ''

' 'No. I just..''

'' Yes, she does. She is exactly like you. Vulnerable and tough at the same time. A lost girl.''

'' Amanda, please.''

'' No, it's ok that she does, to be honest. It makes the game more intersting.''

'' The game? ''

'' Yes. Let's play a game. You have two weeks to train her and prepare her for a mission. A real one. If she makes it, she stays. If not, she dies.''

''Amanda, you can't give her a mission already! ''

'' It's either that or a bullet in her head. Chose for her, or I will.''

'' Ok, ok. Let's say that I agree.'' Nikita said reluctantly.

'' What kind of mission are we talking about?''

'' I can't tell you that, of course. But don't worry. We are going to have a great time.''

Alex was sitting alone in her room when Nikita entered. She tried to hide her agony but the girl had to undestand the severity of her condition.

'' I need you to listen to me very carefully, Alex.'' She said and sat next to her, looking her straight in the eyes.

''It is literally a matter of life or death here.''


	4. Chapter 4

_Alex was sitting alone in her room when Nikita entered. She tried to hide her agony but the girl had to undestand the severity of her condition._

_'' I need you to listen to me very carefully, Alex.'' She said and sat next to her, looking her straight in the eyes._

_''It is literally a matter of life or death here.''_

Nikita explained everything to her, she didn't leave out any details.

'' So, that's what you do. You 'cancel' people. You guys keep getting cooler and cooler! '' Alex said sarcastically.

Nikita snapped at her.

'' Do you not understand how serious this is? Alex, they _will _kill you, I am not making this up! If you are not good enough to work for them, you die! Simple as that! ''

She stood up and started pacing in the room, trying not to lose her temper in front of the girl.

'' Maybe that's what I deserve.'' The young recruit said.

'' No, it's not.'' Nikita sat again next to the girl and placed her arm around Alex's shoulders.

''Look, after our talk the other day, I read your file. I know what happened with that guy you stabbed. It was a mistake done under the influence of drugs, not something you should be punished for with death. I get it that you feel guilty but you have a chance to make things right.''

'' By killing more people?''

'' No. By punishing bad people.''

'' I am not a killer, Nikita.'' Alex responded dismissively.

'' You don't get it. '' The older woman said tiredly.

'' No, _you_ don't get it. How can you possibly believe that murdering people makes things better? Even a six year old knows that blood leads to more blood! ''

'' I just want to help you, kid. At least give me that.''

'' Then help me escape Division.'' Alex responded.

'' You are not being serious right now.'' Alex's attitude had started to piss off Nikita, who, no matter how hard she tried, couldn't figure out how she would help the girl.

'' I am. If you want to help me, get me out of here. Give me a new life outside these walls.''

'' Well, even a six year old knows that I can't do that, Alex! Besides, even if I could, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself out there.'' She paused for a minute, as if she was picturing Alex outside Division and then she said, almost whispering: '' You would use again.''

Alex for once didn't have a comeback. Nikita was right about the drugs. She would use the minute she would have access to them.

As always, she chose to be aggressive, not knowing how else to deal with Nikita.

'' And why would you care about what I do? ''

'' Alex, I am not going down this road again. I care about you and I am not going to apologise for that. Just be grateful you are not alone in here. ''

'' People don't _just_ care. There is always something more.'' Alex said suspiciously.

And then, just like that, Nikita let it all out.

'' I used to be exactly like you, ok? I used to be lost. So, I get it. You are screaming for help and I am offering to help you because I've been there, Alex. I've _been_ you. And I don't want you to die. Not like this.''

Alex was ready to hear anything, but not that. She wasn't prepared for that kind of confession.

'' What you are doing right now'' she said after a long pause and felt as if she had a lump in her throat '' is cruel. You are giving me hope. You are offering me something I thought I had lost forever. That's not cool, you know. Because as soon as Division says it, you are going to execute me like a stray dog.''

Nikita's eyes were filled with unshed tears.

'' Alex, I'm not going to hurt you. But you have to trust me. Let me train you, for real this time, and we will find a way to make things right.''

Alex finally let her guard down. She didn't want to fight her any more.

'' You'll be with me at that mission you are saying? '' She asked and looked at Nikita with eyes filled with hope.

'' Every step of the way, kid. I promise.''

She gave her a big motherly hug and held her in her arms for several minutes, wanting to make the girl feel safe and protected for at least one last time.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex decided to trust Nikita and cooperate with her. She started eating properly and she actually paid attention to her tutor during the practices. She could see that she was getting better, but she still had no idea what she would have to deal with once the mission started. She had promised to herself that she would never again kill anybody, even if that meant her own doom.

Nikita, on the other hand, tried not to show her affection too much. She knew that once Amanda realised how much Alex meant to her, she would do anything possible to make things worse for the girl. She had to act like she didn't care, at least when Amanda was around.

But, of course, Amanda wasn't easy to fool. She had understood since day one what was going on. Alex needed a mother and Nikita needed to be for once the person who fixes things, not the one who destroys. They were the perfect match.

So, when Nikita was called into Amanda's office at 5.00p.m., she could feel that something was wrong. It had been exactly two weeks since their ''deal'' and now it was finally the time to hear about the mission Alex would have to carry out. But Amanda had different plans.

'' Nikita, you and Michael will go to Canada to retrieve a black box that's been missing. Your flight leaves in an hour, so I will debrief you when you get there.'' She said with an emotionless voice.

'' What about Alex?'' Nikita asked without really thinking.

'' What about her, Nikita?'' It was obvious that Amanda was starting to enjoy their conversation.

'' Aren't you going to give her a mission? You said''

'' I know what I said. I simply don't understand why _you_ have to be aware of her mission.''

'' You said I could help her.''

'' I _said_ you could train her. And you did. What happens now is totally up to her.''

' 'Amanda...''

'' Well, if you thought that I would send you with her, then you are just as naive as she is.''

Nikita tried her best not to punch the other woman in the face. It was Amanda she had to deal with. She was afraid this would happen. She should have known better.

'' Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do and so do you. So, pack your stuff, get Michael and catch your flight.''

'' Can I at least say goodbye to her?''

'' Goodbye? What happened to your confidence, dear?'' she asked with a sarcastic smile on her face. '' You really have no faith in your recruit, do you?''

'' I just want to let her know that I won't be with her.'' Nikita responded coldly.

'' She' ll figure that out, I think.'' Amanda said still smiling.

Nikita was beyond frustrated. The whole deal with Amanda was just one of her mind-games. She had let her bond with Alex and now she was sending the girl to a mission alone, she was semding out there to die.

'' Oh, and Nikita, don't bother searching for Alex. Her mission has already started. She is nowhere inside Division.''

'' I swear to God, Amanda, if anything happens to her, I '' Nikita started saying but then she stopped.

'' You, what, Nikita?''

The younger woman clenched her fists, trying not to lose it completely. Now it was not the right time to let her anger out.

'' Damn you, Amanda! '' she said and left the room, making sure to slam the door behind her.

* * *

Alex was woken up in the middle of the night by two armed Division men dressed in black. They escorted her to a van and then drugged her. When she woke up, it wasn't dark outside armed men opened the door and commanded her to get out of the car. She did and then they left her in a deserted area, giving her only a cell phone and 50 dollars. As soon as they dissapeared, the phone rang. It was Amanda.

'' Hello, Alex. I hope you are ready for your mission.''

The young girl was confused.

'' Where is Nikita? '' She asked.

'' Where is Nikita? What about Alex?'' she said with a contumelious voice. ''Oh, you two are really amusing! ''

'' Where am I, Amanda? Just tell me!''

'' Don't lose your temper, dear. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. All you have to do is find your way back to Division. This is your mission. You have eight hours, Alex.''


	6. Chapter 6

_'' Where am I, Amanda? Just tell me!''_

_ '' Don't lose your temper, dear. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. All you have to do is find your way back to Division. This is your mission. You have eight hours, Alex.''_

* * *

Nikita found Michael sitting inside one of Division's jets. She was furious at Amanda for playing with her feelings but her real concern was Alex. Nikita had no idea what had happened to the girl and all she could do was guess and torture herself with negative thoughts. She sat next to Michael and waited patiently for the take off without uttering a word. A few minutes passed but the engine didn't start.

'' Michael, what the hell is going on? Aren't we supposed to be flying to Canada right now? '' She asked nervously.

'' Nikita, calm down. I will explain. There is no missing black box in Canada. You are here so that I can talk to you about Alex.'' He said. And he did. He told her everything he knew about Alex's mission.

Nikita snapped.

'' You expect me to believe that her mission is to find her way back to Division with 50 dollars in her pocket? That's not a mission, that's a joke! Nobody knows how to locate Division, especially with no means provided! _You_ can't do it, _I_ can't do it and most certainly a _recruit_ could not even begin to think of how to find Division! '' She was mumbling and she was really close to losing it completely.

Amanda couldn't possibly expect Alex to be able to succeed in such a task. There was definitely something else going on, but she couldn't yet put her finger to it.

'' Well, the truth is that nobody expects her to find Division. The guys who drove her there will go back in eight hours to get her.''

'' Then why would you..'' She suddenly stopped talking, because she realised what the mission was really about.

'' We want to see if she will use again.'' Michael said but he didn't have to. Nikita had already figured it out.

'' No, no. You can't...you can't do this to her.''

'' Well, if she is as smart as you say, then..''

'' I am not worried that she isn't smart enough, Michael! I am afraid that she won't be strong enough.''

'' I think you worry too much.'' Michael said trying to make her feel better. '' I mean, she has been inside Division for more than three months and she hasn't used at all.''

'' Yes, but she didn't have access to drugs! Now she has both the money and the opportunity to relapse! '' Nikita was almost screaming. She hid her face in her hands, trying so hard not to lose her faith in Alex.

'' And what exactly am I doing sitting here with you, Michael? '' She said after a few minutes of silence.

'' Well, we are here together for two reasons. First, so that you don't use this.'' He said and pointed at her cell-phone. '' We 've given Alex a cell-phone and Amanda is pretty sure that she will try to reach you. But if she does, you can't answer. That's a rule.''

'' Alex doesn't even know my number! '' Nikita objected as Michael took her phone away from her and hid it in his pocket.

'' The phone we gave her has only two contacts registered. Amanda's and your's.''

'' And you want to see how she will react when she won't be able to reach me.''

'' It's just a test.''

'' It's torture, Michael! She will call, I won't pick up and she will get frustrated! She has no idea what to do to locate this stupid place, so she will get angry and eventually give up the fight and relapse! You know it and Amanda knows it and that's why you even gave her money! ''

'' Alex is not stupid, Nikita. She made it without drugs before, she will make it now. At least _you_ should trust her that she'll do the right thing! ''

'' What was the second thing we are her for? '' Nikita asked tiredly, ignoring his comment.

'' Oh, that.'' He said simply and he turned on his laptop screen. '' Amanda wants you to watch. We put a camera in her jacket, so now you can see what Alex sees.''

Nikita sighed. The place where they had left Alex seemed oddly familiar.

'' Where is she, why do I know this place?''

'' Remember why Alex was sent to prison at first place?'' He asked calmly, like as if he was talking about something unimportant.

'' Yeah, for stabbing a guy to death.''

'' Well, this is where it happened.'' Michael said and pointed at the screen.

Nikita felt as if somebody had punched her in the stomach. It was an unbeatable mind-game. Alex was left alone in the place where she had destroyed her life a year ago, now believing that she had to perform an impossible task. And her only help was a cell-phone that Nikita was not allowed to answer.

The older woman could only hope for one thing. That Alex would figure out the real purpose of her mission before it was too late.

'' Come on, kid.'' She wishpered. '' Please be strong.''


	7. Chapter 7

'' What kind of bullsh..''

Amanda hung up the phone before Alex could finish her - not so eloquent- question. The girl looked around her confused but it didn't take her more than a minute to realise where she was. They had left her in the back yard of a liquor store which had been closed since last year. Since the day Alex had become a murderer. Shocked by the realisation, she sat on the ground holding her knees in a tight embrace. Within seconds, memories from that fatal night started flashing before her eyes.

_She was cold and hungry. She had spent all her money to buy two Oxycodone pills from her dealer to get high and now she had nothing to hold on to. She tightened her grip on her knife. She hated doing this, she hated stealing, but she had to find money for her next fix and she had to finally eat some real food. _

_ Since last month, Alex had robbed the same local liquor store more than five times. It had become something of a routine for her. Everytime she was broke, she would go to that store, threaten the elderly owner with a knife, and she would give her twenty bucks. She would never actually hurt her or ask for more than twenty dollars per time and the old lady would never call the cops. That was their ''deal''. A very fragile deal, of course, that was bound to be broken._

_ As she entered the store, the tiny bells on the door rang. The elderly woman shook her head in disbelief when she saw the hooded girl approach the counter. _

_ '' Again?'' She asked angrily. '' You robbed me just yesterday, remember?''_

_ '' I don't want to hurt you, I swear. Just give me some money.''_

_ The woman remained calm. _

_ '' Look, kid, I'm sorry for whatever is happening to you, but you need to ask for help. I give you money and you spend it on drugs. Now, I can buy you lunch if you want to but this whole thing has to stop.''_

_ Alex glared at her. The effect of the drugs hadn't completely worn off yet but the feeling that she would soon be completely lucid scared her._

_ '' We had a deal.'' She said impatiently. ''You help me and I don't hurt you.''_

_ '' If you keep using, you'll die on the street one day. Alone, starved, humiliated, unloved. Is that what you want?'' She asked with a firm voice._

The woman's words echoed in Alex's head. She had ended up exactly as she was warned that she would. Alone, starved and soon to be humiliated and most likely murdered. Oh, and unloved. No, she wasn't completely unloved. Nikita loved her. She cared about her. But, did she? Alex couldn't really tell. If she did, why wasn't she with her as she had promised? Why did she keep telling her that she was safe when she clearly wasn't ? Had she played her all along ? Only the thought of that scenario made Alex's heart ache.

She took her phone from her pocket and thought of calling back Amanda. It wasn't a coincidence that they had left her there. She knew that, she just couldn't exactly understand what Amanda wanted from her. Locating Division was definitely not what they wanted her to do, but what on earth did they really want?

As she looked through the phone's contact list, she saw a certain entry that made her smile. '' Nikita.'' She didn't think twice before pushing the green button. Nikita was the only one who could help her calm down. But there was no response. She tried her luck several times but the older woman never picked up.

'' Come on, Nikita, answer your phone!'' Alex shouted angrily. She sat against the wall, her face hidden in her hands, and realised how helpless she was. It was like as if nothing had changed since that day at the liquor store. At least not for the better.

_ '' Trust me kid, you don't want to die like this.'' The elderly owner said firmly._

_ '' I didn't come here for a lecture.'' Alex hissed and moved as quickly as she could towards the old woman holding the knife in her hand. She was determined to get what she was denied to have. _

_Then she heard the bell ring. She turned her head and almost managed to see a man's figure rush into the store. And then the man jumped at her and pushed her down. She fell to the floor but she didn't lose her knife. As she turned around, she saw him. He was a thin young man, unarmed, probably just a passerby who thought he could be a hero if he saved an old lady from being robbed. He punched her in the face but she didn't stop fighting him. They struggled for a while on the floor and then Alex managed to get a better hold on her knife and stabbed him in the leg. He screamed in pain and curled away. Alex stood up shaking. Her nose was bleeding and her vision was quite blurry but she could see that the guy was bleeding out really fast, she must have hit an artery or something. She glanced at the woman who seemed thunderstruck by the aftermath of their fight. _

_ '' I'm so sorry.'' she wishpered and ran out of the store as fast as she could. But she immediately felt dizzy and weak and just a few seconds later she collapsed on the pavement. That's when her life as Alex Robbins ended. That's the moment she lost herself for good. _

Reliving that night made her body shiver. If that woman had given her the money, none of these would have happened. If that guy hadn't tried to be a hero, he would still have a life to enjoy. _She_ was the one, however, who had pulled out the knife. Alex was suddenly burdened with feelings of unconfessed guilt and regret. But now it was too late for an apology. All she could do was suffer with the choices she had made and pray that their burden wouldn't crash her.

And then it hit her.

'' That's it. '' she said to herself. '' That's what this mission is all about.'' Finally, she could see it all crystal clear.


	8. Chapter 8

_Nikita felt as if somebody had punched her in the stomach. It was an unbeatable mind-game. Alex was left alone in the place where she had destroyed her life a year ago, now believing that she had to perform an impossible task. And her only help was a cell-phone that Nikita was not allowed to answer._

_The older woman could only hope for one thing. That Alex would figure out the real purpose of her mission before it was too late._

_'' Come on, kid.'' She wishpered. '' Please be strong.''_

Six missed calls later, Nikita had like zero patience left.

'' Michael, I swear to God, if you don't let me talk to Alex..''

'' Just look at her.'' He replied calmly and nodded at the screen. '' She is doing great. ''

'' _That's_ your definition of great? She's been crying her heart out for an hour! ''

'' Yeah, but did you not hear what she said? She said 'that's the mission'. She got it! She knows we are trying to break her! ''

'' _We_, Michael?''

'' Well, it's a Division test, I am a Division agent...''

'' So am I '' Nikita said angrily '' but I would never say 'we' for a torture that has Amanda written all over it! ''

'' I think you are overreacting.''

'' _I_ am overreacting? Seriously? Has Amanda brainwashed you so much that you now even approve of her 'educational' methods?'' Nikita was furious at her partner for being so supportive of Amanda lately.

'' It's not like _you_ are a saint, Nikita.'' Michael said but he immediately regretted it.

'' Excuse me? '' She was truely surprised by his sudden assault.

'' I..I'm sorry, I didn't mean it this way.''

'' And which way _did_ you mean it? ''

'' Look, just...let it go, okey?'' He was in no mood for another fight.

For a minute or two, they both sat in silence. Nikita kept drumming her fingers on the arm of her chair and tapping her foot on the floor impatiently. At some point Michael decided to speak, with a soft and composed voice this time.

'' I get it that you are worried, I really do, but Alex is going to be just fine.''

'' I will only believe that when I see it.'' Nikita said annoyed and fixed her gaze once again on the laptop screen.

* * *

Alex was doing her best not to fall asleep. She was really cold and the fact that she hadn't eaten anything all day had made her body weaker. She was feeling a tad feverish and her body would shiver from time to time. She could of course buy something to eat with the money they had given her but she didn't want to show any weakness. She should at least look strong, even if she actually wasn't.

Seven hours had passed since Amanda had called her to inform her about the alleged mission of locating Division. She didn't try to call Nikita again. There was clearly no point in trying. She had either been forced not to answer or she was testing her too. But what would happen when the deadline expired? Would they come to get her? Should she actually do something to find them? Would they promote her as an agent? Or would they put a bullet through her head? It's not like she did anything other than lie there and cry all day. In fact, she couldn't really tell whether she was acing the mission or failing miserably. What she _could_ tell was that Nikita wouldn't be of any help this time. She was on her own.

* * *

'' How much time is left? '' Amanda asked coldly without taking her eyes off the screen.

'' Twenty minutes, ma'am.'' Sonya answered with a low but steady voice.

'' Well, tell those fools to go get her back. And tell them not to treat her like a baby this time. She is obviously not one.''

Amanda couldn't be more annoyed. Her experiment had resulted in a travesty. She was sure that Alex would relapse, that she would panic and fail. But Alex was tougher than she thought and she had proven her wrong. At least for now.

The van stopped in front of Alex. A Division guy opened the sliding door and yelled at her to get in. She did exactly as she was told and moved quickly towards him, although she was shaking all over.

When she woke up, she was lying on her recruit bed inside Division. She felt sore and tired, her whole body shaken up by the mission-like experience. Before she could even sit up, Nikita appeared at the door.

'' Hey, kid.'' She said smiling. '' Nice to have you back.''


	9. Chapter 9

_When she woke up, she was lying on her recruit bed inside Division. She felt sore and tired, her whole body shaken up by the mission-like experience. Before she could even sit up, Nikita appeared at the door._

'' Hey, kid.'' She said smiling. '' Nice to have you back.''

'' Hey.'' Alex tried to smile but instead she made a painful grimace and placed her right hand on her ribs as she sat up.

'' What happened to you? '' Nikita asked worried and her smile was immediately wiped off her face. She rushed to her side and sat next to her. '' Let me see.'' She tried to pull up Alex's shirt but the girl didn't let her.

'' It's nothing.''

'' Alex, let me see.'' She said firmly, without breaking eye contact.

'' It's really nothing.''

'' Well, let _me_ be the judge of that.'' Nikita insisted and Alex finally let her check on her injured ribs. One of Amanda's guys had kicked her several times after the end of the mission, probably to show her just how much of an affectionate family Division was.

Nikita touched her very gently, careful not to hurt the girl more.

'' It's just that they were broken before...'' Alex started to say but she stopped when she realised where their conversation was heading to.

_Of course they were broken before. By Jayden. Your best recruit. Your favourite fighter. _

_ '' _It's just...that I can't breathe normally. It...it hurts a lot.''

Nikita let out a sigh. She could see the pain in Alex's eyes. Would she ever actually forget about Jayden and that fight of theirs? Would she forgive Nikita for hurting her? It didn't seem possible. Not for now, at least.

'' Let's get you to Medical, okey? '' That's all she managed to say after a long and awkward pause.

'' I don't want to go back there, Nikita.'' Alex said tiredly. '' Can't you just give me something for the pain? ''

'' I can give you an x-ray to see exactly how serious the damage is. Come on, don't act like a child.''

'' I am not acting like a child!'' Alex tried to raise her voice but she was in so much pain that her protest came out almost as a whisper.

Nikita felt guilty once again for what had happened during that training session. It's not like she hadn't apologised to Alex, but there was still a shadow over their relationship and even a minor issue would easily rekindle old hostilities.

Watching Alex suffer like this made her heart ache, it truely did, but she didn't want to jeopardize her rehabilitation process by giving her strong painkillers.

'' You don't trust me at all, do you? '' Alex asked after a while in a pained voice.

'' What are you talking about, kid, of course I trust.. ''

'' I'm not a kid anymore.'' She said interrupting her. '' And, by the way, thank you for helping me, and I quote, 'every step of the way' during that ridiculous excuse of a mission I had to go through!''

'' Alex...'' Nikita placed her hand on the girl's shoulder but she jerked it away.

'' Don't worry. I'm sure you have a very convincing excuse.'' She said sarcastically.

'' Amanda didn't let me talk to you, okey? You really think that I would let you suffer if I could intervene? ''

Alex shrugged.

'' You've done it before.'' She said simply and raised her gaze to meet with Nikita's.

Her words cut the older woman like a knife. That was it. They were back to square one. However, she tried her best to reason with the young girl.

'' You are hurting and I get that. But you have to stop pushing me away. I made a mistake and I'm sorry for that. But you know I care about you, Alex.''

'' Well, here's your opportunity to prove it! ''

'' I won't give you any pills, if that's the proof you are asking for.'' Nikita said in a low but firm voice.

'' Then, please, get out.'' Alex ordered with a steady voice.

She lay back against her pillow as Nikita left the room without uttering a single word.

* * *

A few minutes later, the door opened again.

'' I think I told you to...'' Alex didn't finish her sentence. It was not Nikita who had come to see her, but Amanda.

'' Hello, Alex.'' The older woman said with a smile on her face.

'' What do you want?'' Alex asked suspiciously.

'' I am guessing your family reunion didn't go as planned, did it? ''

Alex didn't say anything in response. She was in no mood for Amanda's games. Her pain was getting worse and her fight with Nikita had ruined her day for sure.

'' I just came by to congratulate you.''

'' Whatever.''

Amanda turned around but she didn't leave. She pulled a bottle of pills out of her pocket and placed it on the table beside Alex's bed.

'' It's Vicodin. For your ribs. I hope you get well soon.'' She said and closed the door behind her.


	10. Chapter 10

The moment Alex was left alone, she immediately rose from her bed and took the bottle in her hands. She kept staring at it as if it would magically give her an answer to her obvious dilemma. She had never taken Vicodin before, but she knew it was a brand of hydrocodone, a very potent and extremely addictive substance. She knew that she should listen to Nikita and steer clear of such pivotal painkillers but she also knew that hydrocodone would take her pain away within minutes. And she would at least breathe again without suffering.

_I will stop using as soon as the pain goes away. I've stayed clean before, I will do it again. Nobody has to know. To hell with Nikita. _She said to herself and swallowed two of the white pills she had been holding in her hand. _To hell with all of them. _

Nikita chose not to go to Ops after her fight with Alex. She needed to calm down and an encounter with Amanda or even Michael would only upset her more. She had done _everything_ wrong. All she wanted to do was tell Alex how proud of her she was for not relapsing, for staying strong and coping with her past. She only meant to give her a big hug and make her feel welcome and safe. Instead, she had destroyed everything they had been trying to build for weeks.

As she was pacing nervously, she bumped into Jayden, who was coming back from practice.

'' I'm sorry.'' Nikita said and continued walking.

'' It's okey. I...I actually wanted to see you.'' Jayden said quite shyly, trying to get the older woman's attention.

'' What's wrong? '' Nikita was in no mood for small talk but she didn't want to snap at an innocent person.

'' Look, I don't want any trouble and I probably shoudn't say anything but...''

'' But what? '' Nikita glared at the young recruit. She had chosen the worst day possible to test her patience.

'' But you should really be careful with Alex. She is not right for you, you know.''

'' Excuse me?''

'' I know you care about her and all but...but she is just a junkie. She is not worth it. All she cares about is herself.''

Nikita made a quick move, grabbed Jayden by the throat and pushed her against the wall.

'' Come again? '' She said angrily.

Jayden was startled by her attack. Her eyes were full of fear as she struggled to take a breath and push Nikita's hand away. If she wanted, Nikita could crash her within seconds.

'' Did Amanda put you up to this? ''

'' I...No...Please!'' She uttered in a barely audible voice.

Nikita finally came around and loosened her grip, allowing the girl to breathe again.

'' Next time I won't spare you.'' She said menacingly. ''And stay away from Alex.'' She walked away, leaving Jayden on the floor trying to catch her breath, shaken up by Nikita's outburst.

* * *

Two weeks passed and Alex didn't see Nikita once. She had heard about Michael's accident and Nikita's trouble with it but she avoided talking to anyone about it. She ignored Nikita's calls and tried to focus on her training. She spent most of her time in the gym, trying to get in shape once again. The pills were of great help, because she wouldn't feel almost any pain at all, despite the fact that sometimes she was pushing herself to the limits. She was obviously losing herself again but there was nobody on her side to help her. This time, she had simply chosen not to be strong.

Nikita was devastated by Michael's death, but she didn't forget about Alex and her struggle. She was trying so hard to cope with everything that had happened and she needed to know that at least Alex was doing okey, but she never managed to reach her. It was like as if she had vanished from her life.

Alex finally saw Nikita after a Division meeting, exactly a month after Michael's tragic accident. The older woman looked completely exhausted and, for some reason, seeing her vulnerable made Alex more eager to go talk to her.

'' Hey.''

Alex approached hesitantly the agent who seemed lost in her thoughts. Her heart ached when she saw the dark circles under Nikita's eyes and her vacant gaze. Michael's death had obviously affected her more than the girl expected it would.

'' Hey.'' Nikita answered in a low voice.

'' I.. I heard about the accident. I'm sorry.''

Nikita opened her mouth to respond but she didn't say anything. They remained silent. Neither of them knew what to say next. Nikita was the first to break the silence.

'' How are you holding up? '' She asked, nodding at her broken ribs.

Alex shrugged.

'' I'm okey. I'm actually doing really well.'' She said but she didn't have the courage to look her in the eyes while saying it.

'' Well, at least you have the decency not to look at me when you lie.''

'' What? '' Alex asked puzzled.

'' First you kick me out of your life for not giving you painkillers and now all of a sudden you are fine and you want to chat with me? You must be feeling really guilty. ''

Alex stumbled.

'' I am not...I just..''

'' You are using again.'' Nikita said matter-of-factly.

'' I am not! ''

'' You have pinpoint pupils and your speech is slurred. You _are _using. You are high right now. ''

'' Nikita, I ...'' Alex was on the verge of tears. She realised there was no point in protesting any more.

'' It's helping me with my training... I swear I will quit it.''

Now it was Nikita who shrugged.

'' It's your life, not mine.'' She said dryly.

'' Please, Nikita, don't be like this! '' Alex couldn't hold back her tears anymore. '' It's not like I wanted to relapse.''

'' Listen to me, kid! '' She hissed as she violently grabbed Alex's right arm and pulled her body towards her. '' I am done helping you, I am done caring about you! Do you understand that? Done! I've been trying to reach you for God knows how much time and you keep shutting me out. And for what reason? Because I didn't want to help you kill yourself? I _needed_ you, I needed a person to talk to and you couldn't even be there to listen! You were too busy to care about anyone but yourself! And now you are telling me you are sorry for Michael? _Now_ you care? ''

Alex was too shocked to say anything in response. She never thought that Nikita actually needed her, that she was trying to reach her because _she_ was the one in trouble. She hadn't realised that she loved Michael this much. She thought it was just a fling.

The older woman let go off the girl's arm and continued speaking, this time almost whispering.

'' Not everything is about you, _princess_.'' She said as if she had read the recruit's mind. ''Now get lost and make sure I never have to see you again.''

'' Nikita. Please! '' Alex could do nothing but beg. '' I didn't know you loved him! ''

'' Of course you didn't. That would mean that you'd notice something that isn't about you.''

She said and walked away, ignoring Alex's pleas.

Jayden was right, after all._ She is just a junkie. She is not worth it_. She is really not.


	11. Chapter 11

Alex went to the gym and found a quite place to sit and cry without being seen by anyone. She was at last alone and she could let her tears fall freely, sheltered from any indiscreet eye. She had messed things up in a way that nothing seemed right anymore. She was addicted again, she had lost not only Nikita's trust but also her love and she had to bear the guilt of her mistakes which were apparently far too many to handle.

'' Do you mind if I join you? '' It was Sonya, one of the many IT recruits of Division, who asked.

Alex nodded and Sonya sat on the floor next to her.

'' I thought I would be alone.'' Alex said, not really knowing if she should initiate a conversation with a girl she barely knew.

'' You really believe you are the only one who's found the quite places around here? '' Sonya said kind-heartedly. '' Do you want one? '' She asked and she offered Alex her pack of cigarettes.

'' No, thanks. I don't smoke. Not cigarettes, at least.''

'' So, what brings you here? '' Sonya asked as she lit her cigarette and took a long drag, relieved that she could at last smoke and relax after a hectic day.

Alex sighed.

'' A lot of things. Nikita. I..I messed things up with her.''

'' Yeah, you really did.''

Alex looked at the girl confused.

'' Oh, I kind of heard your conversation. It's not like you were whispering, so... ''

'' Can you tell me about Michael? Do you know what happened? ''

Sonya took another drag on her cigarette, gazing at Alex through the smoke as she exhaled.

'' You are obviously the only one who doesn't. They were together on a mission.'' She said as if she was telling a fairy tale. ''He was trapped inside the car and Nikita tried to get him out. Well, as you understand, she couldn't. The car exploded before anyone could help him. There wasn't much of him left to bury.''

'' Shit.''

Sonya sneered.

'' You bet. ''

Alex remained silent, still not knowing how she could possibly make things right again, how it was possible for Nikita to forgive her after shutting her out like this.

'' You should talk to her. Apologise. But be brave. No crying and absolutely no begging.'' Sonya said as if she had guessed what the girl was thinking of.

'' She won't hear it. She said she is done with me.''

'' And I say I'm done with this every day.'' Sonya responded and nodded at her cigarette. '' And yet, here I am.'' She said as she tapped lightly on the top of the cigarette with her index finger, causing the ashes to fall to the ground.

'' Look, when you love someone, you are never really done with them. When you were on that mission, Nikita almost lost it. She was so worried about you, you should have seen how she reacted when she found out you had passed ! ''

' 'What do you mean? ''

'' I mean that she was like a proud mommy! And she was the happiest I have ever seen her since I came to this prison.'' Sonya said and Alex couldn't help but smile a little.

Neither of them spoke for a while. They were both immersed in their thoughts. Alex was the first to speak again, and her voice sounded weak but not totally hopeless this time.

'' She is also mad at me for relapsing.''

'' Of course she is. She cares about you. I wish I had someone to be mad at me everytime I lit one of these.''

'' So you think I should go talk to her?''

'' I think you should gather up your courage and go fix this. Not now, because she will still be upset, but after a couple of days you should totally go find her. And lose the damn drugs! ''

'' I just don't want her to hate me, you know? '' Alex said and her voice broke.

'' She won't. She loves you.'' Sonya said reassuringly and she patted the recruit on the back. '' You'll be fine. '' She added and stood up.

'' Have you ever loved someone? '' Alex asked.

'' That's a story I'm going to save for the next time, sweetheart.'' Sonya responded and winked at her before she left as noiselessly as she had come.

* * *

**TWO DAYS LATER**

Alex entered Amanda's office hesitantly. She didn't say anything, she just approached her and left the pill bottle on her desk. Amanda raised her eyes and looked at the girl with a slight smirk on her face.

'' Oh, Alex. The things you do for love.'' She teased her.

' 'I'm done with this.'' Alex responded and tried her best not to shake so much while she was facing the older woman.

'' I bet you would even push a seven year old out of this window, if it meant that Nikita would forgive you.''

'' What? '' Alex asked confused, not getting the reference.

Amanda made a dismissive gesture.

'' Nevermind.''

Nikita appeared at the door before Amanda could say anything more.

'' Nikita…Right on time.''

'' I''ll come back later.'' The agent said and turned around to leave.

'' No, wait! '' It was Alex who spoke up. She followed Nikita outside before the older woman had the time to react.

'' Can we talk?'' She asked shyly.

'' Not now.'' Nikita grumbled as she kept pacing quickly. Alex was trying her best to keep up with her speed.

'' Nikita, please, I just threw the drugs away..''

'' I said, not now.'' She repeated and her voice made Alex shiver with fear.

'' I swear, I only want a minute of your time.''

Nikita suddenly stopped walking and turned to face her protegee.

'' Ok. '' She said. '' One minute. '' She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the young girl. '' Impress me.''


	12. Chapter 12

**_Okey, it seems that you didn't get the Game Of Thrones reference of the previous chapter. I got many questions about Amanda's lines: '' The things you do for love[…]I bet you would even push a seven year old out of this window, if it meant that Nikita would forgive you.'' It's a joke from a GoT storyline. Don't lose any sleep over it._**

* * *

'' I swear, I only want a minute of your time.''

Nikita suddenly stopped walking and turned to face her protegee.

'' Okey. '' She said. '' One minute. '' She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the young girl. '' Impress me.''

'' Look. I'm sorry, okey? I really, really am and you know it. But I don't know what you want me to do! Say it and I'll do it! ''

'' I want you to go back to Amanda crying and ask for your pills.'' Nikita said coldly.

' 'What? ''

'' You heard me, kid.''

Alex looked at her mentor confused.

'' I don't understand.''

'' I am pissed at you for relapsing and we _will_ have a big discussion about it, believe me we will, but, for now, all I want you to do is ask for your drugs back. You won't use them, but you'll take them back. Amanda has to believe that you are using and that we are fighting.'' Nikita explained in a calm but slightly tense voice.

'' Nikita, what the hell is going on?''

'' We are escaping Division, exactly as you wished.''

'' So, wait. This was all an act? You are not really mad at me?''

'' Oh, trust me kid, I _am_ mad at you. But I need you to surprise me and for once listen to what I say without raising any objections.''

Alex kept staring at Nikita intensely. She was beyond puzzled.

'' Alex, focus.'' Nikita said and snapped her fingers in front of the girl's face. ''Michael didn't die in any accident, we staged his death. He is alive. He is fine and so am I.''

' 'Who's we?''

The older woman snapped.

'' Me and my zombie army. Alex, please focus! Me and Michael! ''

'' Oh.'' She remained silent for a few seconds and then she asked hesitantly.

'' So, you don't hate me?''

'' I could never hate you, kid. You know that.''

'' No, I don't.''

''Well, you do now.'' Nikita said impatiently.

Alex couldn't help but smile.

'' Wipe that smile off your face! We are supposed to be fighting, remember? ''

'' Ok. Sorry. So, what's the plan?''

'' I can't tell you many details right now. But you must earn Amanda's trust and make sure she understands how angry you are with me for not being by your side. But be careful, she won't be easy to trick, she is a smart woman.''

'' So am I!''

Nikita almost smiled at Alex's childish reaction.

'' Now, noone,and I mean _noone_ can know about this. As far as every other living soul on this planet is concerned, Michael died during that mission and you and I hate each other. Do you undestand me ? ''

'' Yes, yes I do.'' Nikita couldn't have emphasized it more.

'' The plan is to stage your death during a mission, hopefully within the next eight months.''

'' Eight months? ''

'' Alex, lower your voice and your expectations. We have to be very careful. This can't happen overnight.''

The young recruit looked at Nikita with eyes full of anticipation.

'' Can I at least hug you? ''

'' Have you not understood anything from what I just told you? '' Nikita shouted and it wasn't a fake shout this time. Alex seemed to be overwhelmed by her emotions and that made her understanding of the situation disturbingly poor.

'' Okey, okey, calm down. So, we must have a code. When you say ''get lost '' you mean, ''I love you'' and when I say '' I hate you'' I mean '' You are absolutely and unconditionally awesome''. ''

'' Yeah, that sounds like a very handy code.'' The older woman scoffed.

Alex smiled again, causing Nikita to sigh in despair.

'' Don't make me hit you, kid. You need to keep your cover no matter the cost. No smiles when you are around me. Do you get that?''

'' I do, I'm just so happy you still care, that's all.''

'' I get that, but you must control your emotions all the time. Now, about the drugs, this is your last warning. I mean it. It pains me to say this but if you relapse again, it's game over. If you take another pill, then I will really be done with you. I'm deadly serious, Alex. I can't worry that every time you get injured you are going to use.''

'' No drugs. Noted.''

Alex said jokingly. She knew it would be hard to steer clear from her addiction but she had a very strong motivation this time. This time was different.

'' Now, I want you to push me away and put on a show that everyone will remember for a while.'' She said and nodded encouragingly at the girl. ''Come on, kid. Make it good.''

'' I can't believe I trusted you! '' Alex yelled and pushed Nikita so hard that the older woman lost her balance and almost fell.

'' Well, I guess the feelings are mutual!'' She yelled back and shoved her off violently.

Alex fell to the floor and Nikita kneeled beside her. She squeezed the girl's hand just for a second and then she got up, still gazing at Alex warmly.

'' Next time I see you around, I won't spare you. Now, _get lost_!'' She said meaningfully and walked away.

_It was showtime._

* * *

**_This chapter is strictly a Nalex one so it is dedicated to Nikalex(Mirto).. :)_**


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok, guys, I know this one is really small and I am sorry for this but I didn't want to keep you waiting any more so I decided to upload it anyway. I will try to upload a decent chapter as soon as possible. Have fun!**

* * *

Six months had passed since that pivotal meeting of Nikita and Alex. Six months full of agony and constant fear that their plan would be revealed by Amanda or anybody else inside Division. Alex did her best to lie low and get Amanda to trust her while Nikita kept organising every single detail of their escape. It wasn't easy because it had to be perfect. A mistake, any mistake, would mean that Alex, or even worse all the three of them, including Michael, would end up dead.

They were almost ready, but Alex had to perform another task for Amanda before they could set their plan in motion. It was a rather simple mission and she would be alongside Jayden and Sonya, so Nikita wasn't worried about her safety.

'' Nikita.'' Amanda said simply as the agent entered her office.

'' You wanted to see me?'' She asked tiredly.

'' Well, _you_ obviously didn't.''

'' What do you want, Amanda?''

'' I want you to try to stay calm.'' Amanda's voice was strangely soft as she spoke.

'' Why, what's wrong?''

'' Alex was shot during the mission. She is probably not going to make it.''

Nikita found herself unable to react. Her heart started pounding and her body was suddenly paralysed with fear. This could be either the most devastating news possible or merely one more of Amanda's mind-games.

Amanda knew about their plans. She knew since day one. She must have. So now she was messing with her head, trying to make her believe that Alex was dying. At least that's what the agent thought.

'' Why should I care?'' Nikita managed to utter after a long pause. If it was a trap, she had to remain cold towards her protegee.

'' Oh, dear, I don't think that your histrionics are necessary anymore. Let me clear this out for you. I know all about your romantic escape plan'' she said making a comic gesture with her hands, '' but I don't care. You are who you are Nikita and I could never hope that you 'd change.''

Nikita remained silent. What could she say now? It seemed to be too late for anything.

'' I know you love the kid and there is no point in denying it. You should come see her. She doesn't have much time left. '' Amanda said, almost tenderly, and placed a conforting hand on Nikita's shoulder.

'' I don't believe you!'' Nikita shouted and jerked her hand away.

'' Nikita.'' It was Sonya the one who addressed the older woman, as she joined the conversation. '' It's true.'' She said and Nikita could see the tears in her eyes. _It was true._

'' No. No. It can't be.''

'' I'm sorry.'' Sonya said as she approached and gave the older woman a much needed hug. '' You should go, you should say goodbye, Nikita.''


	14. Chapter 14

'' No. No. It can't be.'' Nikita shook her head.

'' I'm sorry.'' Sonya said as she approached and gave the older woman a much needed hug. '' You should go. You should say goodbye, Nikita.''

Nikita pulled away form her embrace immediately.

'' What the hell are you talking about?'' She snapped. She simply refused to believe that Alex was dying after a stupid mission where she was supposed to be just a spare wheel and wait in the car the whole time.

'' There was an accident.'' Sonya said slowly, as if she was talking to a baby. '' Jayden got injured so Alex had to step up, okey? She was involved in a fight with one of the bodyguards. It was really close. A hand to hand thing. Jayden tried to kill him but she missed and shot Alex instead. She was trying to save her, Nikita, I swear. I saw the whole thing. It was a mistake. An honest mistake.''

'' I would never allow Alex to get hurt and you know it.'' Amanda intervened.

'' No, I don't.'' She hissed.

'' Oh, please, by all means lecture me for letting you plan your escape together! '' Amanda said but she immediately regretted yelling at her. She should calm her agent down and not upset her even more.

She continued speaking in a much more tranquil voice.

'' Micahel contacted me and told me all about your plans a while ago. He was afraid of what I would do if I found out myself, so he told me everything.''

Nikita looked at Amanda confused. She was on the verge of screaming. What kind of sick game was this?

'' He helped me locate Percy and as a 'thank you' I let you play your little game. There are a few things in this life that can tempt me, Nikita. Percy's undoing is unfortunately one of them.''

'' She chose to have her revenge on Percy and let you, Alex and Michael off the hook. She knew but she didn't hurt you. A deal is a deal. She would let you go.'' Sonya added as if she was trying to help a six year old understand something extremely complicated.

'' You shouldn't care about that now.'' She continued.

'' That's enough.'' Amanda reprimanded the recruit in a cold voice. She turned to face Nikita who was standing still, her gaze darting around aimlessly, unable to say or do anything.

'' Nikita, look at me. _Look _at me!'' Amanda said and placed her hands on Nikita's shoulders in an attempt to soothe her. ''Alex was shot in the back of her head. Now, the doctors did absolutely everything to save her but the damage was extended. There is no brain activity. She won't wake up. Ever. We'll take her off life support after you say goodbye. You understand me? ''

Nikita didn't respond. She felt completely numb. There was a ringing in her ears that wouldn't let her concentrate on Amanda's words. She had to go to the hospital to make sure Alex was okey. She _had_ to be okey. Anything other than that was simply impossible.

Amanda was shaken up by the incident as well, despite the fact that she still appeared cold and invulnerable. It pained her to see Nikita so fragile. After all, she had always been her mentor. There were once friends.

'' Nikita, please say something.'' She pleaded.

'' I want to see her.'' She said in a shaky voice.

'' Do you want me to call Michael?'' Sonya asked hesitantly.

'' I want to see her.'' She repeated.

* * *

When they arrived at the hospital, Amanda instructed Sonya to stay discreetly by Nikita's side should the older woman need anything.

'' You should be with her. I am the last person she would want to see now. Just keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.'' She told her and left, after she spoke briefly with the doctor in charge of Alex's case.

When she reached the room, Nikita felt her heart break as she saw Alex lying in bed, unable to feel or say anything. Her face was so pale, her eyes shut, her hair still bloodied and rumbled. This couldn't be _her_ Alex. This couldn't be _her_ kid. She choked back a sob and entered the room shaking.

She closed the door behind her before she turned to look closely at the young girl. She seemed so fragile and so helpless. There was a tube taped to her mouth, feeding her with the oxygen that was keeping her alive. The sound of the machines connected to her body was the only noise dsirupting the silence in the room. Nikita pulled up a chair and sat next to the girl's bed. She held Alex's hand in hers and caressed her hair tenderly.

'' Hey, kid.'' She whispered after a few moments as tears started pouring down her face. '' I'm so, so sorry.''

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**The next chapter will probably be the last one so brace yourselves for the finale! **

**Thank you all for your reviews.**


	15. Chapter 15

This couldn't be _her_ Alex. This couldn't be _her_ kid.

Nikita pulled up a chair and sat next to the girl's bed. She held Alex's hand in hers and caressed her hair tenderly.

'' Hey, kid.'' She whispered after a few moments as tears started pouring down her face. '' I'm so, so sorry.'' That's all she managed to say before she choked in her sobs.

She kept stroking the girl's hair, her vision now blurry because of her tears. She sat like this for more than twenty minutes without saying anything. She just held her hand and sobbed.

'' I promised you I would be there for you. And I failed you.'' She finally said. '' That is so unfair, Alex! We should be fighting now like we always do! Don't go, baby, please don't...''

Nikita broke down again. How was this possible? How could you lose someone you love so much like this?

She was trying so hard to remember tha last time she actually saw Alex and held her in her arms but she couldn't. They had spent the last six months planning an escape that would never happen. They sacrificed their friendship so that they wouldn't jeopardise the escape. Their_ 'get out of jail' card_. That's how Alex had named it. So they pretended to hate each other when the only thing they wanted was to go somewhere safe to start a new life.

Nikita leant down and kissed Alex's forehead gently.

'' I love you kid. You know this, right? I never told you but you know, you do. '' She cupped the girl's face with her hand and kept talking to her affectionately, as if Alex could listen to her words.

'' Oh, kid, what I wouldn't give for you to be able to yell at me for not being there during that stupid mission! To tell me how much Division sucks! To squeeze my hand just one more time! Just once kid, please. Please don't go! ''

She kept holding Alex's hand in her, kissing it affectionately as she vainly expected form the girl to wake up or show any reaction. But she didn't. She remained asleep and peaceful, incapable of feeling the pain she had caused to her friend.

A little later the door opened. A doctor and a nurse walked in but Nikita wasn't ready yet to let Alex go.

'' Just give me a few more minutes.'' She pleaded as she turned to face them, her eyes bloodshot and her voice painfully weak.

The doctor only nodded and left as quickly and quietly as he had come in.

'' We are really sorry.'' The nurse mumbled on her way out.

They left her alone. Nikita stood from the chair and sat on the bed, right next to her little girl. She gently ran her fingers through Alex's hair and let her tears fall freely down her cheeks.

'' You did not deserve this, Alex. You really didn't. Oh, God, that is so unfair! '' She said to herself, overwhelmed by her emotions.

'' Please forgive me, kid.'' She added after a while and kissed Alex's forehead one last time.

When the doctor returned, Nikita didn't protest. It was time. Not that she was prepared, but she would never be prepared for something like that so the sooner this was over, the sooner she would begin to try and come to terms with it.

The doctor and the nurse stood on each side of Alex's bed, without uttering a word. Sonya had also come in to comfort Nikita, if that was even a possibility at the time. The nurse extracted the breathing tube and the surgeon turned off the machines that had given those extra hours of life to the young woman.

This was it. Alex was gone. The heart monitor flat-lined as they all watched in silence. Then the doctor mumbled something, but Nikita couldn't hear it. Sonya placed an arm on the agent's shoulder and Nikita let the recruit turn her and lead her to the door. Everything was hazy, like as if she was in a dream. But she wasn't. This was real life.

This time the game was really over.

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**Ok, guys, this is it! I hope you liked it and I hope I didn't upset you too much with the finale. I mean, that's life. You can't always have a happy ending. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. **


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